My grandmother thinks I go to a non-denominational church. I know. The Princesses are very supportive of coming out of the closet, and typically I am very much out in the open. My friends know, if it organically comes up in conversation with strangers I’ll talk about it, and I’ve never tried to hide what I am at work or in social situations. For all intents and purposes I’m out.
Except with my grandmother. And my aunt. And my in-laws. And two of these are at the request of somebody else. With my in-laws, my husband just asked if I wouldn’t bring it up; if / when they find out / figure it out on their own is fine – he doesn’t want me to feel the need for some covert operation or whatever – he just didn’t want me to make a big announcement to them. I’m okay with this. I rarely feel the need to make announcements to anybody. As I said before, I only bring it up when it comes up organically in conversation, and religion doesn’t come up a ton with my in-laws because they’re Catholic and I’ve never been, so we’re already different species as far as they’re concerned. (Getting married to a Catholic when you’re not is a different post entirely, so I’ll leave it at that.) 🙂
As far as my aunt is concerned, I personally don’t care if she knows. I love her very dearly, but she’s set in her ways as a conservative Episcopalian (or Anglican? She’s on the Tory side of the Episcopal split – in fact, she’s in the Ft. Worth Diocese which was a major player on the “return to Biblical values†side). And while she is a loving, vibrant, wonderful woman, she sometimes says crazy things, and I just want to get a stick and poke at her balloon of ludicrousness until it pops. Like the time she said visiting Salem gave her the creeps because, “Oh, Jenny,†(she calls me Jenny, as do several members of my family on that side), “they have signs on the windows of shops saying we aren’t allowed to make fun. Like we’re supposed to take them seriously. And witches all make pilgrimages there. It’s their Mecca.†(Huh???*) And I didn’t hop across the table and scratch her eyes out. I was really proud of me. I think my mom sitting there wide-eyed, silently pleading with me to keep my trap shut might be the only reason I managed to stay in my seat.
See, Mom is the reason I don’t tell my aunt. When I came out to my mother, she was unhappy, and asked me to promise I wouldn’t tell her mother or sister. I promised regarding my aunt out of respect for her. I know my aunt would have a fit if I told her, but personally I’m okay with that. She could get past it if she wanted to, and hey, what’s one more person praying for my soul, right? But if it gives my mother peace, that’s fine. I love my mom and don’t want to cause her stress with the family.
But Ma is different. Even though I have not told her, she doesn’t make me feel restrained or like I have to lie, and I wouldn’t have told her even if my mother hadn’t asked. Ma was raised in a Catholic boarding school, and, excluding Mormon, she’s been every Christian denomination known to man at one time or another. She’s now Missouri Synod Lutheran, one of the more conservative branches, but oddly enough, other than the forms of faith (virgin birth, transubstantiation, literal resurrection, Thor, that sort of thing), we agree on faith and morality far more than we disagree; she is far more open-minded than the people she surrounds herself with. She has a worldview she is comfortable with, attends the same church she attended with my grandfather (he passed away nine years ago), but she doesn’t attack other people with it or spout crazy s**t like Salem is the witch’s Mecca. I do know it would bother her to learn I’m pagan, that she would worry about me, and she might even question her own faith if she found out. Ma is 82 and a widow. I don’t see what good would come of outing myself to her at this point, and so I glide over religious details and stay honest about things that really matter, like keeping an open mind and coming to faith with joy.
Most pagans are still “in†for parts of their life. What do you think, readers? Is it okay to keep a couple toes in the closet?
* Okay, so it’s been pointed out to me that she’s not completely loco in her idea of pilgrimages to Salem, i.e. Witch City. (le sigh) It’s not MY Mecca.
+ Featured image: “The Witch No. 1” by Joseph E. Baker, 1892
9 comments
Lady Naya says:
Jun 14, 2011
I am completely in the closet. It is not anyone’s right to know what you do and do not do. My practice is between myself, my gods, my coven and the spirits. There is no requirement for me to tell anyone anything so personal.
Jax says:
Jun 14, 2011
You bring up a good point; it isn’t anyone else’s right to know. The pagan mystery cults of ancient history made a point of keeping their practices secret; to them that secrecy was part of their strength. I was writing this more from the perspective of people who WANT to tell others and feel stifled because of society’s prejudices. It isn’t anyone else’s right to know about my private life, but shouldn’t it be my right to tell? People fear what they don’t understand. Ignorance leads to prejudice. If I’m not allowed to talk about paganism to people, then how are they going to learn better? How is my aunt ever going to understand that paganism is not a devil-worshiping, society destroying menace if I’m not allowed to talk to her about it? And true, some people’s minds will never be changed, but a lot of people’s can – particularly if they know somebody who’s pagan. I don’t tell other people because they have a right to know about me, I tell other people (when it comes up naturally in conversation) because I have a right to worship the way I choose without condemnation, and if they’re talking about their faith freely, I should be able to talk about mine freely, too.
Darrach GreenWolf says:
Jun 14, 2011
Very well written. And some good points too. I am not in the closet except for at work and around certain family members. I work for a Catholic non-profit, and the people I work for would NEVER understand, no matter how much explaining and talking I did. For these people, anything but Catholicism is wrong. Period. There are non-Catholics working here, but they are still some flavor of Christian. The Catholics in the office tolerate that, but it’s still wrong to the in their view. And if they (the non-profit I work for) found out that I’m Wiccan, they would certainly fire me, which I cannot afford, and they would do it under some ambiguous condition, like insubordination or something other vague reason that can mean just about anything.
I think pretty much everyone in my family knows I’m not Christian, but there are a few who I never, ever talk about my beliefs with, just because it would be like trying to move a mountain–utterly futile. My mother and grandmother are the 2 primary members with which I keep things “out of sight”.
But other than those instances, I just live my life and never be ashamed of who I am. I wear a pentacle necklace when I’m about town and proudly carry my head high. And I also have a permanent altar in plain view in my living room, so any guests that come over see it. I don’t wear a pentacle as advertisement or to say “I’m a witch! So what? Got a problem?” I wear it for…well…the same reason Christians wear crosses, crucifixes, and rosaries. It has special meaning to me. It has some sentimental value. Plus, I’m proud of my involvement in the Craft and I feel that to hide it (except to protect my family from turmoil, such as getting fired) is a statement to the contrary.
Jax says:
Jun 14, 2011
Wow, Darrach! You work for a Catholic non-profit? That’s gotta be interesting. As I said in the article, my husband’s side of the family is Catholic – all of them. I love them and they are wonderful people, but they are very convinced their church is the ONLY right way. I mean, like you said, other Christians aren’t right, even. So I totally get you staying “in” to keep your job! Oddly enough my husband and I are finding out that once he got over the word “pagan” our faiths are pretty compatible, which makes sense given the Catholic Church’s history of incorporating pagan traditions into their calendar.
I love this: “I don’t wear a pentacle as advertisement or to say “I’m a witch! So what? Got a problem?†I wear it for…well…the same reason Christians wear crosses, crucifixes, and rosaries. It has special meaning to me. It has some sentimental value. Plus, I’m proud of my involvement in the Craft and I feel that to hide it (except to protect my family from turmoil, such as getting fired) is a statement to the contrary.” Thank you for sharing!
monica says:
Jun 14, 2011
I think that hurting other people in order to validate yourself is in reality no validation at all. If staying in the closet to some extent will save unnecessary heartache to those that you love then I say here here! Hurting others for personal gain (like attaining a forced acceptance of your life choices) never ends well. You only end up hurting yourself when it comes down to it.
Jax says:
Jun 14, 2011
Interesting. I hadn’t thought about it that way. It is certainly never my intention to hurt people by speaking personal truths… but it’s so hard to let people, like my aunt, attack something precious to me without speaking up. If somebody is saying this sort of bullying drivel to me, then in all likelihood they’re saying it to other people, too, spreading hate and misinformation when I could provide her an example that we’re not what she thinks we are. Plus I hate lying (and I’m not sure if I’m proud of how good I’m getting at “slight of tongue”), so I have to drop out of conversations with people when the subject of religion comes up – they get to talk and I have to stay silent. And why? Because I have no problem accepting their spiritual choices but they can’t accept mine. So I get no voice. For me, being able to talk about my spirituality isn’t looking for validation from other people, it’s that I’m not doing anything wrong, so why should I have to behave like I am for the benefit of the person who is in the wrong?
But I agree with you when it comes to my grandmother. I just can’t see the good that would happen. I can only see emotional pain. As far as my in-laws are concerned, I’m a little nervous about them finding out, but I also know that when TheScott and I have children I have no desire to teach them to lie to their grandparents. And simply hoping it won’t come up has never worked for me in the past. 🙂 I am one of those people who gets away with NOTHING. So… one day that will likely come to a head, but I’m okay with delaying the day for a little longer.
T.K. says:
Jun 15, 2011
The real question you’re asking is is keeping a few toes in the closet the same as denial of your faith?
IMO it’s not. Although, while I can’t recite chapter and verse and I’m too lazy to look it up, I’m sure some very faithful disciples denied their faith in times of trouble.
Again IMO, it’s a tribute of your faith to not do anything that would hurt yourself or someone else. Therefore not disclosing your beliefs to your grandmother, your aunt, or other members of your family, because you feel it would either hurt them or yourself, is the right thing to do.
If or when the times comes that they need to know, it should be agreeable to them that what you feel is the right faith for you doesn’t mean it is the right faith for them, and they should feel the same way. Although it’s doubtful it will be that easy.
Maybe someday it will.
Krimsyn says:
Jun 16, 2011
I am in the closet with my fiance’s family, well mostly. I make no attempt to hide pagan-y or witchy links I like on facebook, so if anyone from his family that I’m friends with on fb got curious enough to peruse my page, they could figure it out. When around the family, I don’t make it a point to say what I am, because I feel like if I am a good person, that it need not be said, but shown. If I was outright asked what I believe, I would say it’s complicated, because it is for me. If I was asked if I was a witch, I would say yes.
Jax says:
Jun 21, 2011
I wanted to thank everybody for your awesome comments! Even if I did not directly reply, I read all of them and appreciated the time you took! It’s great to hear so many different perspectives, and there were a lot of things said that I hadn’t thought of before. TPP readers are the best!
🙂 Jax