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This is Jax speaking to you live from our Solstice studio, bringing you breaking news from The War on Christmas. Our royal roving reporter GG has been embedded with defending troops for the past few weeks. The TTP Network is a long-time supporter of Christmas. We celebrate it every year with our families and are hopeful the rebuff of these militant Grinches is successful soon.
GG what are you seeing?
It appears we can’t get a video feed, but I believe we have some audio coming in.
…ave time to brush my hair? I look crap; it’s been weeks since I shower…<muffled microphone> I…uh…thank you, Jax. This is…<static> hell…he…o? Can you…? <feedback> Try the other button. <Charlie Brown Teacher (CBT) mumbling> She can’t hear me. <CBT mumbling> Just press the damn button! <loud CBT mumbling> Nice. You kiss your mother with…? <louder CBT mumbling> What? Oh.
This is GG <cuts out>…ing from <cuts out> with the military men and women from company <static>. As you said Jax, I’ve been living with these patriots for about two weeks.
What’s that been like? Aside from you having to “rough it”. Describe to us where you are.
I’m in the <radio crunching> province of <muffled microphone>. It’s been raining for the past week. Combined with dropping temperatures, there is a fairly consistent fog. Every morning we wake up in a light freeze. I can’t really tell what the larger terrain looks like because of the constant obstructed primary view. Some troops here call that “O.B.V.” or “Ob Pri” and sometimes “O.B.1.” I guess…I guess that’s not really relevant. Anyway, our immediate surroundings are mud, barren trees, naked bushes and more mud. The surroundings are fitting given the mood here is anxious as circumstances remain uncertain.
How are things uncertain?
<radio crunching>…an unusual war. Indeed, to my knowledge there has been no formal proclamation of war.
So, are you saying you still don’t know who you are fighting?
Yes, that is what I’m saying, Jax. And we still don’t know why the alleged onslaught on Christianity’s most sacred…<CBT mumbling> Easter? Really? But Easter doesn’t take over American culture for three months every…<CBT mumbling> Ookaaay…on Christianity’s second-most sacred of days began in the first place. It was, as I am sure you know, unprovoked.
What do you mean by “alleged” onslaught?
It’s the <static> thing, Jax. We can hear mortar attacks all around, but we’ve never been hit and never seen any shells on the ground. Some troops are calling this “the war with the invisble man” or “T.W.T.I.M.” or “twitim” and sometimes just “twit.”
So you don’t know who you are fighting and you have not been directly engaged by the enemy even though you are on the front line. Now that is very strange. Have other units been engaged?
I don’t know. As a recon platoon, we are fairly isolated. General <static> has been in touch with all units in his command, but has reported no casualties to our captain.
What is your company doing now?
General <static> thinks he has located the enemy by triangulating phone, radio and television signals. We are are breaching a rather high hillside because we think the enemy is on the other side. So we are making our way to what we think will be the point of engagement with enemy military or E.W.E.M. or “ewem” and sometimes just “ew.”
Okay. I’ll try to…<cuts out>…Jax, we are moving out to traverse the top of the hill now. If I can…if you can stay with me, I’ll tell you what I see.
We will stay with you as long as we can.
<radio crunching> <artillery>
We are near the crest of the hill. <louder artillery> We’ve stopped to give the infantry time to take formation just below the top of the hill. <heavy breathing> They are almost lined up. They are taking the hill! We are following close behind.
<CBT shouting> <very loud artillery sounds>
What the..?! There is some confusion here, Jax! All we see is a large hut, but the sounds of artillery fire are deafening! I hope you can hear me! I’m having to shout to hear myself!
Yes, we can hear you very well. There’s no need to yell.
…kay! I can’t hear you! I hope you can still hear me! The unit has the hut surrounded! <very very loud artillery sounds> But it sounds like incoming fire is right overhead! They are breaking in the door now! <CBT shouting>
I don’t understand what’s happening. The artillery sounds have stopped now that several troops have entered the hut. They’re coming out now. They are shrugging their shoulders and scratching their helmets. <CBT mumbling> We’re are being kept away from the hut until they can give the “all clear” signal.
It looks like we are getting an “all clear” sign. Unless that’s the hokey pokey. No. Yes. Yes. We are headed into the hut. <radio crunching> By the gods, Jax. You are not going to believe this. The hut is unmanned. Inside is a labyrinth of computer and sound equipment. <CBT mumbling> I’m being told that one of the troops who first entered the hut unplugged the sound equipment and that’s why the artillery fire fell silent. <radio crunching>
What are you seeing?
It’s just…this is just unbelievable. There is a massive generator in the back of the hut. That must be how these machines could be unmanned for so long. The complexity of these systems is far beyond my understanding. <CBT mumbling> We are trying to figure out who would pretend to fire at us and why. And really…just the…who would have the resources to perpetrate such an elaborate and harmful ruse?
Someone says she found something. <breathing> I’m heading her way now. <radio crunching> She’s showing the general something. He’s…oh…he’s really angry. <CBT shouting>
Is the general doing anything?
Um…he’s talking…uh shouting. <CBT shouting> Wow. I have have not heard that expression before. Um…okay now…now he’s walking away. And we are approaching.
I’m having to lay on my back to see what…I don’t believe this. You have got to be kid…<cuts out>
Tell us what you see.
On the underside of the generator there is a tag that’s been partially removed. But there is still enough of the tag remaining to see that it’s an inventory sticker from the organization that owns the equipment.
<louder CBT shouting>
Troops are finding similar stickers on machines throughout the hut. <radio crunching>
FOX News. FOX News is the organization that owns this equipment!
Wait. Are you telling us the War on Christmas has been a fabrication of FOX News?
That is what the evidence so far suggests. I don’t understand…there must be speakers in the woods. We couldn’t see because of the fog. I don’t know how they did it. They must have field agents. This is crazy. This is amazingly crazy. But…yes, it seems FOX News has produced a facsimile of conflict a la “Wag the Dog.” You know, that Dustin Hoffman movie that tanked…oh ,wait, I guess you probably wouldn’t know. I mean, since it tanked. Some troops are now calling this the “FOX utility camp” or “F.U.C.” and sometimes just…<static>.
Um…are you there? What are folks speculating about why FOX News would do this? As you say the resources it took to continue this ruse must have been enormous.
We…on’t know. We…an’t fathom why. <radio crunching> What? Jax, can you still hear…<feedback> We are losing…<static> Mother…fu…! <cuts out>
GG? GG? I think we are having a technical difficulty. It appears we’ve lost contact with our roving royal. We will bring you more on this story as it develops. Look for our next major story — an insider’s look at pagan social issues and pagan socializing…and what shoes to wear while doing both.
We’ll be right back after these holidays. Until the New Year, may your days be merry, your stars be bright, and your egg full of nog!