A little while ago, Jax reported on her progress on equinoctial resolutions over the past year. This prompted me to reflect on my last year. I didn’t make any resolutions on the 2010 autumnal equinox. Or the 2011 one, either. So, this reflection wasn’t about what I had or hadn’t accomplished. It was more big picture, more deep thoughts (sans Jack Handey), or just plain ole what the @%$# am I doing with my life?
Don’t get me wrong, I am not floundering professionally or confused personally. I have goals in both of these areas. The question I am contemplating is “What do I really need to do to accomplish those goals?” Are there things I need to change? Things I need to give up?
Of course, the answer to both of the later questions is “yes.” Sometimes I feel all Miss Independent and Girl Power and I am Woman, Hear Me Roar. I know I can do what needs to be done to get me where I want to be. Hell yeah!
“I got this.”
Other times I feel all Maiden in Distress* and Where’s My Knight and I’m Just a Victim. I doubt my decisions and I wish I wasn’t having to move on, on my own. Waaahhh!
“I want my mommy.”
Change is hard. For me, right now, wanting change is even harder.
I talked about being torn between extremes on the vernal equinox earlier this year. Those emotional extremes have pretty well evened out. But, as you can see, they have been replaced by occasional crises in confidence. Is this progress? I don’t know. It feels like progress. Or rather, it doesn’t feel like regress. Part of why this feels like progress is because I am open to thinking of the equinioxes as a struggle between two extremes. I don’t feel down-and-out because I’m not balanced, yet. I feel more…up-and-coming. While I still can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can see my destination on the map.
I just need to figure out how to stick with a Change is for the Better attitude instead of waffling to Change is for the Birds.
Ah hell and ah well. Here’s to turning the wheel rather than trying to stop its spin. Here’s to shaking the tree rather than breaking its branches. And here’s to finding center rather than feeling stuck in the middle.
Got any advice for me? What do you do when your confidence is waning?
* Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. “Maiden in distress” — who are you kidding, GG? Whatevs. Matron in distress sounds weird.
+ Featured image is Le Change Entrée by Dimimis.