
The Norse had their own version of the Three Fates called The Norns (also known as the Wyrd Sisters – no joke!). This image was a Faroese stamp.
Whenever I’m waiting to hear about something big I typically hear the same phrase over and over: “If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.†It closes almost every conversation, as if that’s the solution, and people lean back with a sympathetic smile as if it’s some great comfort. If it happens, it was destined. If it doesn’t, it’s still okay because the universe is an ordered place where important things will go according to some universal plan. People mean it to be kind and comforting, and I appreciate their intention. However, I can’t agree.
Last week TheScott and I applied for specific children that matched our parenting profile, and we’re currently waiting to hear if we’ve been selected by the children’s caseworker to be the adoptive parents. I cannot count the number of times I have heard the “meant to be†line in the past six days. Each time it feels unintentionally ironic. If the universe worked in such an ordered fashion, no children would be in the foster system. If a child is “meant†to come into my home this way, does that imply she was “meant†to be abused? Or did the universe originally screw up? Was I supposed to be the mother of that soul, but Whoops! the universe gave her to a drugged out asshole on accident? And now it’s righting the plan in a vast machination involving me not being able to conceive and an overworked and understaffed government agency?
No. We always stop “meant to be†in some place that makes the universe seem ordered. “Meant to be†means the right children will arrive on my doorstep. The ones TheScott and I are meant to have. But that’s where this mythical “meant to be†begins and ends. The history that led up to TheScott and I choosing to foster/adopt and the children being yanked into the foster system was all chance or human error. But that natural state of chaos will no longer exist when it comes to children arriving at my home. That selection and arrival will somehow happen exactly as it should, creating the best situation for everyone.
I don’t believe that.
Right now some woman (most caseworkers are female) is sitting in a cramped office with maybe 100 stacks of applications in front of her, trying to figure out from a few pictures and the answers to a few questions which people would make the best parents for her charges. She comes to the desk with her own prejudices and ideas (like we all have). She will look around at the far-too-many other cases on her plate and think about her own children and how she promised them she’d be home for dinner tonight. And she’ll do the best she can. Just like every other caseworker making the same painful decision right now.
Fate is not in all of their offices guiding all of their hands, and TheScott and I are not so special that fate is making a particular visit to ensure our case, out of the thousands passing over desks right now, goes perfectly. A decision will be made, for better or for worse, and life will go on. If it doesn’t happen, it was as much happenstance as anything else. If it does, it was our caseworker’s hard work combined with a large dose of good luck.*
The idea that there is some grand “meant to be†has always made me angry at the universe for forcing so much of life down our throats. Was this soldier meant to die from an IED and his wife meant to be a widow? Was that woman meant to get raped and impregnated? What plan does that fulfill? None. It just happened. The person maybe could’ve done something that would’ve prevented it (preparation), but maybe not (luck). On the flip side, what about a person that made an Olympic team. Was she meant to while the other competitors weren’t? Or was she born with talent (luck) that she honed over a lifetime of hard work (preparation) and then performed at her maximum when it counted (preparation and luck)? What about next year’s winner of the Grammy’s? Is that already set no matter what musicians and producers do over the next year? No. Life is a combination of preparation and luck. Not a map of events that are meant to be that we’re forced to follow.
For me, this is comforting. Not the randomness of it; that’s slightly terrifying. But the idea that there is no arbitrary plan for my life worked out in advance. What I do matters. The choices I make have an effect–not the only one and not the final one, but some vital contribution to the outcome. And maybe, maybe, if I’m very special one or two things in my life will happen for a reason. But most likely, things will just happen–or not–and it’s up to me to make sense of them afterwards.
There is no meant to be. If we don’t get the children we’re hoping for, it’s not because the universe hates us nor is it because the universe has a better plan for us in mind. It’s not even because the people who do get the children will be better parents. It’s a decision made by a group of people in a different city based on snippets of the life TheScott and I have built, my caseworker’s ability to show us off, and the qualities of the other people in the stack of applicants. My job as an active participant in my own life is to take what comes my way and do the best I can with it.
I mean no disrespect to those who’ve wished me peace with some variation on, “If you get the children it will be wonderful. If not, it wasn’t meant to be.†I know it was meant as comfort and, as I said above, I do appreciate their intention. But Realm, I confess to you that I don’t find it comforting. I wish more people would simply say, “Gee, that sucks waiting to see how the cards fall.†To that, I can laugh and agree wholeheartedly.
What do you think, Realm? Do you believe in fate?
* This isn’t to say I don’t think prayers or magic or hamingja (luck) have any effect. On the contrary, because I believe fate is not fixed and the outcome of most decisions are at least partially random, I very much believe theses things can have an effect. Not that they entirely decide an outcome, but I do believe they weigh in the equation. I have a harder time understanding how somebody who believes there is order in the universe also believes in the power of prayer. If the universe has an agenda, how would one person speaking out change it? I don’t ask this to be snarky; I honestly don’t understand. If anybody can explain this point of view, I’d appreciate it!
+ Fetaured Image: The Fates Gathering the Stars by Elihu Vedder
8 comments
Rosemary says:
Jul 18, 2012
I love this!
I absolutely agree. I think our lives tend to drift toward a certain course, but we can absolutely change the course through our actions (or they can be changed by the actions of others. Or events. Etc. etc.). It’s empowering!
Last year something really sad happened to me, and I got that as well as that other phrase I hate, “everything happens for a reason.” It really upset me. No, not everything happens for a reason! Some things happen for no reason at all.
I tried not to be angry because I know they meant it to be kind, but the implications are really awful, like you described.
Jax says:
Jul 18, 2012
Yes! I think sometimes we have these common phrases we say that sound nice if you don’t really think about them. But when you think about what it implies… Eek! “Everything happens for a reason” is totally one of them. I just want to say, “Really??? Have you read all the crappy things in the news lately? There’s a REASON for all that? Who came up with those decisions? They suck.”
I’ve been told before that I think too much, but I believe words have power. We create our view of reality with the way we phrase things, and subtle ideas can sink in deep. I’m not always as good about it as I should be, but we should make a conscious effort to choose aphorisms of empowerment, not helplessness.
I’m sorry for whatever crappiness happened last year. 🙁 I hope you’ve found a course back to joy.
B says:
Jul 18, 2012
O.M.G., my Princess! You and I simply MUST go have that coffee, and soon. 🙂 This is sooooo “Rule Number 4”. And the last ten minutes of Forrest Gump.
And I know I’m not making any sense. I promise to explain. 🙂
Short story long — you are resilient and strong, and I have every confidence in your ability to weather this time of uncertainty and limbo.
B says:
Jul 18, 2012
Big Giant Hugs!!!
Jax says:
Jul 18, 2012
Thank you!!! Big Giant Hugs back!!! Gots much craziness at the moment (edits due next week and my sister is in town; yay sister!), but provided we get a NO re kiddos and aren’t frantically house prepping, how’s coffee sometime during the first week of August? Can you meet during the day? We can work it out over email. 🙂
Shannon says:
Jul 18, 2012
Thank you, thank you from a loyal subject. 🙂 I’m in the same headspace myself: We’ve been dealing with infertility for nearly two years now; in June we found out I was pregnant, only to miscarry two weeks later. It’s devastating and I can’t count the number of people who try to comfort us with platitudes like “meant to be” or “it will happen when it’s supposed to.” If we decide to stop treatment and pursue adoption, I know we’ll hear much more of it. As part of my yoga teacher training, we had to watch “The Secret,” and I found the idea that everything that happens to us is a direct result of our thoughts or actions horribly repellent and victim-blaming. I did nothing to render myself unable to conceive; a child does nothing to cause his or her cancer; a rape victim doesn’t invite her assault. I’ve found that the best thing anyone can do when faced with a friend in crisis is simply to offer a hug and a nonjudgmental ear. Wishing you and TheScott peace and much good fortune.
Jax says:
Jul 18, 2012
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry! You and your husband are very brave. I never had to deal with a miscarriage; I can’t imagine how awful that would have been on top of everything else going through my mind when TheScott and I were dealing with infertility. And I completely agree. There was no meant to be about it and it was definitely nothing you thought or some karmic reflection or whatever. Gee whiz, I’ve never seen The Secret, but that does NOT make me want to watch it! Peace and love to you and your husband on your journey to being parents no matter what you decide to do with the future!
Tenae says:
Jul 23, 2012
Hey Jax! Just wanted to let you know I’ve nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award and the One Lovely Blog Award: http://witchofhowlingcreek.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/award-nominations/