Our contract is in with our adoption agency. TheScott and I are officially on the waiting list for receiving custody of children
Excuse me while I go breathe into a paper bag a few times.
Okay, back now. As I’ve mentioned before, TheScott and I are adopting through the foster system. We’re looking for two children between the ages of two and eight. At first we’ll be considered foster parents, but our goal is adoption, and hopefully within six months to a year of gaining custody, we’ll legally become the parents of whomever shows up at our house sometime soon.
Heading back to the paper bag…
Whew, boy. Okay. So TheScott and I have started talking about parenting, and I’m looking for advice. Particularly advice about raising kids in a mixed religious household. I’d grown up with the old wisdom that it’s confusing for children and shouldn’t be done, but I’ve spoken to many people who were raised in mixed religious households and all of them have said that it wasn’t confusing at all. If the first impression you have of interfaith work is two people who love each other supporting each other in their different faiths and getting along splendidly, you grow up thinking that’s the way religions should get along. Well, okay, that is how religions should get along, so if that’s the main result of raising children in a mixed religious household, I’m okay with that. Neither TheScott nor I find any reason to be condemnatory of the other one’s faith choices, so I think this is going to be just fine.
But I do want to find ways to integrate both of our faiths into our household.* For example, one of my friend’s children has taken to praying before meals. It’s absolutely precious; about five to ten minutes into a meal, she grabs hands of the people on either side of her and demands we say grace. We all hold hands, her mother recites a prayer (that I only know the first half of, but I join in on that part at least), and then we all go back to eating. But it made me think that I grew up praying before meals, and I still remember that fondly – all of us holding hands as Dad started the same short prayer every night and we all joined in. That remembrance of gratitude as well as simply having a ritualized reason to hold hands, no matter what our current state of mind towards each other might be, was special to me. I’d like to have that for our children.
I brought it up with TheScott the other night after one of Miss Precious’s insistent graces. We talked about taking turns leading prayer, and maybe that’s what we’ll do. I usually give my thanks while cooking instead of before eating, so we could also do it that way – one prayer with the preparation and one with the serving. Does anybody else do this, or has praying together before meals gone the way of Christmas, Easter, and the dodo? What other ways do you incorporate your religious diversity into your household? I’d love advice and stories!
I’ve also been thinking about Catholic Christening and a Heathen Naming Ceremony. TheScott and I have talked about having both once our children are fully adopted (provided they aren’t for some reason radically opposed or already baptized, which according to Scott’s faith means they can’t be baptized again). I’m excited but nervous about a Christening. I will not tell lies in front of an altar (I try hard not to tell lies in general, but I feel extra morally squiggy in a religious institution in front of a deity). I’d like to participate, but I know most baptism services require the parents to renounce sin, state their exclusive faith in the Christian Trinity and promise to raise the child in the faith. I won’t be able to make these ceremonial promises in good conscience, and I don’t know how that will affect things. I suppose I should cease worrying about that until it happens. Regardless, I am looking forward to the ceremony. They’re beautiful, and I know how much it will mean to the family.
The Naming Ceremony is the Heathen “welcome to the family†ritual that is traditionally done nine days after a child is born, but (my understanding is) it can also be done to welcome an adopted child into the hereditary line. The ritual gives a child access to the family ancestry and spiritually binds their orlog (personal wyrd) to the rest of the family’s. This is very important to me because ancestor veneration is an important part of Heathenry as are circles of frith, and this is the ceremony that spiritually links a family together.** Not that a family can’t be linked without one of these (just like a couple can be married as long as they sign paperwork in a courthouse; a ceremony isn’t needed), but I think the children would like it as a ritual way of saying, “hey, we’re real.†I know I would. But then I worry about who to invite. Obviously our friends, and my parents and sister know I’m Heathen, so we’ll invite them. The rest of my family doesn’t, so I guess I can’t include them, which makes me sad, but reality is what it is. I’m not sure if TheScott’s parents know or not. I’d like to include them, but I don’t want to create hard feelings. Scott and I will figure that out together.
This leads to more issues I’d appreciate advice on. How do mixed religious couples deal with family members who don’t know or don’t approve of one person’s religion? Any advice for talking to people or dealing with institutional issues such as churches that frown on mixed religious homes?
I’d love to hear any and all stories and advice about dealing with the trials and joys of a mixed religious household, so please share!
* Our children may be old enough to have their own ideas about faith, and I do want to make clear that I’m not talking about forcing faith on children. I don’t think you can force faith on anyone, no matter what their age. Encourage, yes; force, no. But while it’s possible for a six-year-old to have opinions on the subject, according to our caseworkers, strong religious training is the minority in this demographic, and children of that age aren’t particularly set in their ways anyway because they’re not yet old enough to philosophically understand religion. So while I don’t intend to shove anything down anyone’s throat, and I’m happy to make accommodations for the way they see things (provided they’re not actively dangerous) TheScott and I are making plans with the idea that our children will most likely be willing to work with us regarding their religious upbringing just like eventually (hopefully) they will with everything else. But, like everything else, we’ll see what happens when they arrive, and we’ll improvise accordingly. Our foster/adoptive parent training reiterated over and over that being patient and providing security are the two key factors in creating a family, and TheScott and I agree. My entire experience says that humans, particularly children, are social creatures who like trying new things as long as they feel safe. “Get over here and do this right now!” is scary and demeaning. “Hey, I’m doing this today. You can join me if you want to,” works with human nature and will, sooner or later, usually end up with them not only joining in, but doing so happily. I’m totally fine with the second approach as it fits my personality better anyway.
**I don’t believe a Naming Ceremony cuts children off from their biological ancestry, however, and should our children be interested, I’m happy to create a second altar so that they can venerate at their own personal ancestral altar in addition to the family altar. Same goes for pantheons. If they are interested in Paganism, I feel it’s important to let them worship their new ancestral gods (i.e. Heathen gods) and to explore their own ancestral deities, whatever those may be, if they are so inclined. But that’s a separate post, and probably won’t come up for a long time!
+ Featured Image: Charity, mother of all virtues, attributed to Joseph Richier
15 comments
GG says:
Jun 26, 2012
It looks like this site has some great stories, http://onbeingboth.wordpress.com/ — just search for “interfaith parenting.”
Rosemary says:
Jun 26, 2012
Becoming a parent is SO exciting, I hope your children find their way home to you soon!!
I have a bit of experience in interfaith parenting – my husband is Muslim and I am Pagan. Religion never really factored into our lives before, as we’re both very respectful of each other’s beliefs, but when I was pregnant, it became very important to him to raise our daughter Muslim – including giving her a Muslim name. I would have had a problem if he wanted to raise her exclusively Muslim, but he agreed that we could expose her to other paths, celebrate Christmas with my family, etc.
It’s possible that we’ll have issues as she gets older, but as of right now, our daughter is 3, and what we’ve found is that being in a mixed family is really fun! She does ritual with me, she performs namaz with him. We all celebrate Eid, we all celebrate Yule. I’m glad my daughter (and myself, and my husband for that matter) has exposure to other religions and cultures. I have no doubt it will enrich her life, and encourage her to think for herself, question everything, and create her own path.
As for his family? They weren’t thrilled that I didn’t convert to Islam, and I’m certain they wouldn’t approve of Paganism – but that’s not something I really feel we need to discuss as I think it’d just make problems – but they have been nothing but warm and welcoming to me, and our daughter, and I truly love them and feel like part of the family.
I think the most important thing is just to be open, honest, and communicative – and compromising if necessary – with your husband, and live and let live with extended family.
That’s actually really sweet you’re thinking about meal blessings, that’s one of my favorite times of day. I also say thanks while cooking, and at the table we say both. Ours is:
Bismillahi rahmani rahim
God is great, God is good, let us thank him for our food.
Blessed be
Jax says:
Jun 27, 2012
Aw, that’s beautiful! You described pretty much exactly what I hope for TheScott and I. It’s really encouraging to hear about somebody making it work so well! Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Jax says:
Jun 27, 2012
And I just checked out your website. Looks like you’re putting together some neat articles! I’ve heard about soap nuts but never tried them. I may have to find some…
Rosemary says:
Jun 27, 2012
I’m sure your experience will be just wonderful – you may come up with some completely new family traditions!
Thanks for having a look at my site! I just started putting some stuff together, but I hope it becomes a fun place. Yes, soap nuts are pretty cool!
Susan Katz Miller says:
Jun 27, 2012
You can do it! I’m the author of onbeingboth.com. My interfaith parents chose one religion for me. That had benefits, but also drawbacks. We chose to raise our interfaith children with both family religions (Jewish and Christian). They’re teens now, and they’re religiously literate and not confused and have spiritual experiences and feel connected to both families and both religions. I am excited for you, and for your journey with your children, and to read your blog…Susan
Jax says:
Jun 27, 2012
Thank you, Susan! I’ve just started skimming over your website, and I can tell it’s going to be a great resource. I really like your Interfaith Bill of Rights, and I may have to point a few of your articles out to worried family members. Blessings to you and your family… and on your upcoming book! That’s really exciting!
Guenevere says:
Jun 27, 2012
I’m in the same nervous boat (the issue of children is actually a big part of the roadblock to us getting married in the first place).
I grew up with divorced parents – dad had court approval to raise us Methodist and mum was severely restricted on raising us Pagan or teaching us anything about it. Needless to say, I have since embraced the Pagan side of things (My dad’s side of my family are the only ones who (I think) still don’t know). I find that having grown up with two faiths has helped me a lot in my own interfaith relationship – being able to see the validity in both sides and respecting people for their personal faiths. I’ve always been curious about raising children in one household, where everyone likes each other, with two faiths… I feel like it could be confusing and while everyone would be religiously multilingual, at the end of they day don’t you still have to pick one (granted the end of the day could very well be years from now).
For us the worrisome part is that my partner is Catholic – and intends to follow the letter of the Catholic law and do Everything In His Power to raise his children Catholic. Which doesnt leave much wiggle room. So we’re stuck with trying to figure out how to have a cohesive religious family life without me having to live in my broom closet. Anyone having suggestions, please share! In our scenario there is just no room for Mass with Dad and then Ritual with Mum.
Have you thought about how you are going to approach the fact that not everyone in your family knows about your Paganism? I fear that might be a little awkward to introduce children to your faith and potentially have them go through a Naming Ceremony, and then have to explain to them that they can’t talk about it with certain members of their new family…
I hope most of that made sense…
Jax says:
Jun 30, 2012
Hi Guenevere! Thanks for your response. You bring up a lot of really important issues, and I’m going to try to reflect on individual points, but forgive me if I miss something!
It kind of amazes me (but not totally) when you say that the court ordered your religious upbringing. That’s so discriminatory and crazy. I like to think that with our generation that wouldn’t be so likely to happen, but on the other hand we were flat out told by caseworkers that there are courts in some parts of small town Texas that will not turn children over to non-Christian parents. People who say prejudice doesn’t exist anymore are either ignorant or don’t understand that what courts do is far more important to most of us than what a few ignorant people say! Anyway, I’m sorry that happened to you. That is totally unfair.
As far as picking a faith, I would imagine that that’s frequently the case. TheScott and I both think we can be adult about that. As a convert myself, I can’t exactly get upset with my kids should they choose not to stick with Heathenry. 🙂 But there are people who practice two faiths. We’ll see what happens!
As for you and your partner… I really don’t know what to say. Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to accept TheScott taking that much of a hardliner stance. But that’s the way I would live my life, and you have to do what’s right for you, which may be something completely different.
I do think your partner’s plan of trying to force Catholicism on your future children is likely to backfire on him. Look at your own example. Your father tried to raise you in his faith (with the court’s backing) and you chose your mother’s path, even though she wasn’t allowed to teach it to you. Children don’t like to be stifled any more than adults do. I think it’s important for the two of you to discuss how you’ll respond when the children express interest in learning from you. Even with zero encouragement, I would be surprised if they never did; especially if you have girls. What happens if they start bringing home Pagan books from the library to learn about what Mom does since Mom won’t teach them? What is his response when they say, “But Mom does it.” Is it, “Well, Mom’s wrong”? Is it, “Mom can do this but you can’t because ___”? It’s one thing for him to say he’ll take the kids to mass every week and ensure they learn their catechism, but “Everything In His Power” is an awfully broad statement, and I’d want to clarify exactly what he means by that. If the kids show interest in Paganism, will he try to cut you out of their life? How does he intend to maintain control of uncontrollable variables (i.e. children)?
I hope I don’t come across as too much of a hardass! I think you’re doing a harder thing than we are because neither TheScott nor I are trying to control our children’s faith. Again, as a convert myself, I have a personal bias towards the notion that their faith can’t be controlled. Both of my parents went to the same church and I grew up in a small town with no access to an alternative, but I found it anyway. With an alternative sitting next to them at the dinner table, I can’t imagine them not exploring it. How’s he going to react?
Back to our situation over here, yeah, I have thought about how we’re going to approach the whole not everyone knowing about Pagan thing. Fortunately the part of my family we interact with most (my parents and sister) already know. As far as TheScott’s parents go, we talked about that, and TheScott said he’s fine with them figuring it out whenever they figure it out. (We wonder if his mom already has. Uh… if you’re reading this, Hi MIL!!! Love you! Please let me know if you want to come to the Naming Ceremony. 🙂 )He just doesn’t want me to make a big announcement/scene about it. That’s cool with me. If the kids talk about it with my cousins, I’m fine with that, too. It’s really only my mother’s sister and mother I worry about because I promised my mom I wouldn’t tell them. The likelihood it’ll come up in front of them is small. Plus Heathen ritual isn’t all that occult looking. We’re not skyclad. We don’t use pentacles. We do lots of toasting and talk to our ancestors and then we all eat together… even if the kids do talk about it, I’m not sure my family members who know nothing about Heathenry would recognize what it is. If I’m wrong, I will have to deal with that when it happens (and ask Odin’s blessing on my tongue so I can speak the truth and still satisfy my oath). But it’s not likely enough to come to that that it’s high on my list of concerns. When they’re a little older I will speak frankly with them. The world is not without prejudice, and pretending it isn’t won’t help them. From a pretty young age children have to understand that there are things that are appropriate in some settings and not in others, some topic of conversation you can broach with some people and not others. I don’t ever intend to teach my children to lie. But teaching them that there are certain people we don’t talk about XYZ with seems reasonable and along the lines of what we already have to do anyway with other topics.
I THINK I covered everything! Thanks for posting, Guenevere! Very interesting thoughts, and you made me think!
Aj / Melia says:
Jun 28, 2012
I can’t say my household is a “mixed religion” exactly…am a Hellenist and Hubby is…well Pagan but ummm more Native American is the closest I can describe it (he is closed mouthed about his beliefs as he feels religion is an individualistic, private pursuit. He rarely does things outwardly or around others). I tell my 5 year old what I believe as he shows interest. Sometimes he participates and sometimes he doesn’t.
Our mealtime prayer: “Lords and Ladies of harvest and beast, bless all that take part in our feast. So mote it be.” I have explained to him that this covers not only the food and the people at the table but all those that helped put that food on the table such as farm laborers, drivers,etc.
Jax says:
Jun 30, 2012
Thanks AJ/Melia! I like your prayer; that’s sweet. Sounds like you and your hubby have it working well!
Bertie says:
Apr 26, 2016
Great post with lots of imaortpnt stuff.
auto insurance says:
Jun 5, 2016
Two lovely cards, Marianne. I particularly like the Kimmie one (love those stamps), and the zingy colours on the second.Thanks for joining us on PaperPlay again this week.Julie :o)
D'Har says:
Jul 2, 2012
Hi Jax,
I think the first post I read here on the Pagan Princess is the one you wrote about motherhood. I have since been rooting for you and The Scott and hoping for the best for you. What an adventerous undertaking!
I’ve been thinking about this post for a couple of days because my initial reaction might come across as a bit harsh, but i haven’t changed my mind, no matter which way I look at it. So here goes:
With all due respect, my goodness you’re overthinking things! Please feel the smile on my face as you read this. Frigga knows you’re going to have enough going on building a hearth and home with adopted children. There’s something about planning out ceremonies and such before you’ve met your children that makes me think you’re trying to convince yourself you’re going to have a level of control that you simply won’t have. Now, maybe it just seems that way because you’ve distilled all your thinking and hoping into one blog post! But, my advice is to do what you do, do it honestly, do it naturally, do it with love and hope. The rest will follow.
Let Go and Hang On!
Jax says:
Jul 2, 2012
Hahahahaha! I do have a tendency to over-think. 🙂 But don’t worry too much; I fully realize that no matter how much I plan, things will not go according to it. For me, forecasting is not about forming a rigid agenda that things MUST ADHERE TO but about daydreaming what could be. It helps me be less afraid if I’ve formed a potential scenario (or two or three) and thought through how I would handle it – not because it’ll necessarily go that way, but because if I can work through one scenario in a way that feels successful to me, it gives me confidence I can work through other ones, too. I don’t even know if that makes sense, but I just know I feel better when I think of the future in concrete terms instead of amorphous ones.
It works sort of like this. Panic voice says: “Oh my goodness! I don’t know what’s happening or what I’m going to do! This is so confusing!” Other voice says: “Well _____ could happen.” Panic voice says: “Well… okay… then I would do _____. Wait, that might happen, and I came up with something workable in response. I can do this!” And panic is significantly reduced. I know both the scenario and the solution are fictitious, but I still feel better anyway.
I also think (and this is probably the writer in me) imaging what MIGHT be is part of the joy for me. I’m never disappointed when reality is not like my imagination (it never is), but daydreaming the “what if” is a positive form of anticipation. It gives me a starting place to build from and a way of looking at something novel (and therefore scary) as a good thing. Plus I get to do joyous things many times – several in my head and once in reality.
I really appreciate you rooting and hoping for us; we need it. 🙂 And I’m not at all bothered by your advice. You don’t sound harsh in the least! Thank you!!