You may think a princess is pampered and waited upon. Not these princesses. In fact, it’s not easy for me to ask for help. I rather hate it. Asking for help makes me feel vulnerable and, sometimes, weak. I’ve gotten better about it as I’ve gotten older, but I’m still a pretty independent person, and it chafes me to feel dependent on others. I know. I know. I have issues. Oy! Believe me, I am trying to work through them.
I’m working on a pagan-y project right now that has forced me to ask others for advice. After some research online, I couldn’t find a site that offered comprehensive information. So, I put out a call for advice and got some really positive and helpful responses from several friends. Thanks for that guys and gals!
I also “cold called†a pagan I know in passing because she has successfully executed this particular project in the past. She was gracious and responded with good and useful information that I hadn’t seen anywhere else. w00t! I was and am very grateful. But her response was tempered with a polite, “I’m sure if you googled this, you could find what you need.†A gentile chastising, but a chastising nonetheless. I could just tell s/he was thinking, “well, bless her heart†when responding to me.* NOOOOoooooo! I hate that someone would think that of me and that is EXACTLY why I hate to ask for help.
Needless to say, I was a little taken aback. True, this person doesn’t know me well enough to know that it took pressing need for me to ask for help. (Or well enough to know I have a Ph.D. — a certification in research if ever there was one!) At the same time, should that ever be the response when someone asks for help? I’m no Miss Manners, but an immediate assumption of willful ignorance when someone asks for help seems unkind. Especially among pagans, folk whose beliefs and practices are varied and wide and so not canonical. A simple google of anything pagan will not lead to a simple answer.
This episode of polite patronizing got me wondering if this wasn’t an episode at all. Was it, instead, evidence of a larger trend of collective condescension? This question got me wondering about fluffy bunnies. A fluffy bunny is someone who is (usually) new to paganism and (usually) a solitary practitioner and (always) disinterested in expanding their knowledge about paganism. What if fluffs are asking for information and we are turning them away – either with a gently down-turned nose or a “bless her heart†smile? Are we ourselves (meaning practicing pagans) causing newbies to reproduce like rabbits…into bunnies? Say it isn’t so!
For those of you who are pagan, think back to the early days of your paradigm shift — to your “pagadigm†shift, if you will (Oh, wow. That is a terrible pun. You’re welcome.). Back to a time when you had a lot of questions, didn’t know where to go for answers and didn’t know who to trust with (what was likely) a secret. Suppose you reached out to someone (and at some point, most of us did) and they snubbed you, even politely. Would you have become a fluffy bunny? Even for a little while?
For those of you who are not pagan, let’s use a similar memory…one about something sensitive and private. Sex! Imagine (or recall) that already awkward moment when you ask for information being further traumatized by a snooty answer. I remember that happening to me. Those damn older kids and their “You don’t know that?! You’re stupid!†attitudes. Aaarrggghhh!
What say you royal readers? Have you ever asked for help and been undeservedly scolded, even if lightly, for asking?
5 comments
S says:
Mar 8, 2011
I know what you mean completely. Shamed as I am to admit it, I think I still fall a bit into the fluffy bunny category, but its not for a lack of desire to learn. In all honesty I want nothing more than a teacher to shine like a bright beacon of hope, but alas finding such an individual is excessively difficult when, as you say, it’s a bit of a secret. Not many people understand and I definitely don’t want to seem like an addled ninny when asking someone who might.
Jax says:
Mar 10, 2011
Dear S,
If you have a desire to learn that you’re acting on, YOU ARE NOT A FLUFFY BUNNY. Don’t be ashamed of being a newcomer to paganism; most of us were at one time! We are not born with this knowledge in our heads, nor do we grow up in a society that makes it easy to find out information about pagan living. That’s one of the things we hope people can find here at the Pagan Princesses: a place to share the daily lives of our faith (whatever that faith may be) with like-minded individuals in a non-judge-y environment.
GG and I plan on getting an “Ask the Princesses” form up soon for any questions visitors may have, and meanwhile feel free to ask in the comments or drop one of us an email! We try very hard to answer all questions that come in, no matter how introductory or advanced they may be or what pagan-related topic they may be on. Even if we don’t know ourselves (we try, but so far omniscience has eluded us) we will happily direct you to where we think you might find what you’re looking for… and then we hope you’ll come back and teach us!
Hope to see you here again!
k! says:
Mar 8, 2011
When people pull that with me, my response is usually: “You know, that was my first thought too! But after exhaustive searching, I couldn’t find anything comprehensive and the fractured resources I did find tended to be contradictory. So I appreciate getting the input of someone who has achieved this firsthand.” That way I point out that I’m not using them as the first line of defense, nor am I a research idiot, and I’m throwing another little ego stroke in there to boot. 😉
You have no reason to feel guilty or apologetic or even embarrassed. And sometimes that sort of response is deferring in an “I’ll tell you what I know, but the internet probably knows better/has more information/etc.” It all depends on context. I wouldn’t take it personally.
k! says:
Mar 8, 2011
.. is deferring in an “I’ll tell you what I know, but the internet probably knows better/has more information/etc.†kind of way.
(That is.)
T.K. says:
Mar 11, 2011
That’s a totally new definition of “Fluffy Bunny†to me, although I can actually relate to this definition. I find myself sometimes uncomfortable asking questions about anything I don’t understand. Not that I believe myself completely independent and totally knowledgeable, which no one is. I’m probably more like introverted. Would that be multigender, or would “Fluffy Jock†fit better for “guys�